Then

Then

By Missy Jubilee.

Written one hour after coming out of a 48 hour psychotic episode

20th September 2014

I went to a very dark place.

For 48 hours.

Then

I have just come back

And I made that film. This.

In ten minutes. That’s that

About back then

I understand where I went

To a moment in time

And I lived in that moment

Again

For an long long collection of moments

Like I have

All my life

From the inside out

It was a tormented moment

Where my brain broke

Way back then

And the universe cracked

In sympathy

Cause

Why try any more

With your brain

All broken

Because you didn’t fight

I recognised

I had seen it

This.

This place.

Two times before

Back then

But

This time

This third time

I fought back

Possessed

Like I didn’t

Back then.

But

You walked in front

Of my possession

When I asked my mother

To take responsibility for her words

But

She wouldn’t

And you wouldn’t

And this time it wasn’t going

To be ok.

Again.

I wasn’t going

Down

One more time.

For the rest of my life.

Alone

Again

Fuck that

My learned thoughts

Rotting in my brain

Ignited

By the sound

Of an elephants back

Breaking

With the straw

You put on

You

Woke

A butterfly in the Amazon

And chaos theory

Knocked on my door

And said

Hello Little Miss Insane

Delivery from Amazon

A word in your ear

Dear

Just some of that

Same old

Pain

Again

Something unfair

Said once again

Without the touch

of love.

Or sympathy

Or compassion

By my mother.

Through you.

To me

She broke me

That time

Then

Back then

So this time

I had to

Break her

To live again

So at least we would have

Pain

In common

For the rest

Of our

Memories

I came back to reality

at dusk.

Today

This time

5.10pm

Only just hit me.

This.

Then.

That I had been on a

Road trip to hell

With my predator

Again

But this time

Was different

Because I made

Notes

I saw everything

While he was fanning

The flame

Of his insanity

That was mine

I left bread crumbs

Reversed

So

I know the way back

In time

Without no more

Wrong signs

Now versed

In the knowledge that

I love you

Because I made you suffer

Like me

And I saw what I had

Done

Because your face

Was mine

Asking one question

That I asked my mother

Again & again

Why are you doing this to me?

I’m sorry

You were my hitcher

In this terrible

Road picture

So I made

A pretty one

Instead

A pretty picture of us

Our moment in time

And that was

This.

It’s the opposite

Of then.

Because you held my hand

And didn’t let go

Like the rest

No matter

How hard

I tried to make

You

Categories: Sex

9 Comments on “Then”

  1. September 25, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    Nice…!

  2. September 26, 2014 at 6:38 pm #

    This is really good. Sad. Frightening. And wonderful.

  3. David Miller
    October 1, 2014 at 4:46 pm #

    Resplendent, what drips from your mind.

    • October 2, 2014 at 5:52 am #

      Thank you David. You are very kind 🙂

    • October 20, 2014 at 4:45 am #

      Love those words. You have a talent for pithy. Used in ‘Hurt’ 🙂 Missy

      • David
        October 20, 2014 at 2:26 pm #

        Ugly word ‘pithy’ but beautify meaning.

  4. David
    October 20, 2014 at 2:27 pm #

    *beautiful

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