It’s NOT normal to stop having sex when you’re in a long term relationship… And here’s how to spice things up in the bedroom

 

Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox says matter outside the bedroom can be just as important to a good sex life

A recent CNN health report showed 40 million Americans are stuck in a sex rut. Most therapists would agree the proportion of population similarly affected in the UK is equally as high.

The reasons why we’re all so bored in bed are many: everything from unrealistic expectations to stressed lifestyles. Ask the average worn out parent what they’d most like to do in bed and most will answer ‘sleep’.

There’s no denying it: great sex is an achievement not a given.

Couples who are still enjoying a great sex life after 10, 20 or even 50 years together, aren’t lucky – they’re committed to making sure it’s great, says Relate.

I totally agree. Here’s what you can do to turn your sex slump into the start of something rather wonderful:

1. Stop believing it’s ‘normal’ to not want sex long-term. Yes, desire does fall the longer you’ve been together but it’s a cop out to shrug your shoulders and say ‘Oh well, that’s just what happens’. There’s plenty you can do to stop this happening or reverse the effect. All you have to do is want to try.

2.Your relationship and sex life are connected. Most couples underestimate the affect their sex life has on their relationship and vice versa. Put some effort in the bedroom and your relationship will improve; make an effort out of bed and you’ll have more and better sex in it.

 3. Act on impulses. At the start of the relationship, the desire for sex is strong and the feeling hard to miss. Later on, desire feels more like a flickering of flames than a raging fire. Be attuned to it and act on the ‘flicker’ as soon as possible. The longer you wait between first impulse and doing something, the less likely is it you’ll act on it.

4. Visit your GP to check your general health and review any medications which could be affecting your libido.

Couples who are still enjoying a great sex life after 10, 20 or even 50 years together, aren't lucky - they're committedCouples who are still enjoying a great sex life after 10, 20 or even 50 years together, aren’t lucky – they’re committed

5. Keep a sex diary. Write down any erotic thoughts and what triggers them. Think back to what you both did in the beginning. Revisit the things you tried that you’ve forgotten you liked. Each come up with five things you miss and used to do together, put the suggestions in a jar and pull one out and action it every week.

6. Take a sex toy to bed together – preferably a good vibrator. Men are more motivated to have sex because it’s easier for them to orgasm. Most women find it easier to orgasm with a vibrator so it increases incentive to have sex if it’s there as a ‘standby’ if all else fails.

7. Up the amount of sex you’re having, even if you don’t really fancy it to start with. When you’re all snuggled up watching telly, who can be bothered making the effort? But if you do, lots find desire kicks in once stimulation starts. Regular sex boosts the body’s production of testosterone which, in turn, makes you feel like sex next time around.

8. Talk about it. Make a pact to talk openly and honestly about your needs and wants and agree never to judge anything your partner suggests.

9. Use erotica: Watch sexy films, read sexy books, look at sexy images. Focusing on sex keeps your libido high.

Mail Online

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Categories: Sex

One Comment on “It’s NOT normal to stop having sex when you’re in a long term relationship… And here’s how to spice things up in the bedroom”

  1. dirk_gently
    February 8, 2014 at 4:21 pm #

    ‘later on desire feels like a flickering of flames rather than a raging fire’. Very nicely put. I find tiredness is the killer as you get older. Goodnight all. I still like being woken up though…

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