I’m a bit kinky with some unusual fetishes

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Brisbane Times advice column:

Q. On the surface I’m a great bloke. I’ve been dating this wonderful woman (we’re both mid 40s) and we’re at the stage where I’m confident we will have sex – the tension is palpable. However, I have a hidden dark side, being a bit kinky with some unusual fetishes. Do I mention this upfront and run the risk of ending the relationship before we have sex, or should I allow normal sex to commence and continue, then, further down the track when we’re more familiar, casually introduce it? I am comfortable in my own skin, and want to be in hers!

A. Sexual, or erotic, fetishism is defined as the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object or from a specific situation. The object or situation of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object/situation is a fetishist.

Many of us associate ”fetishism” with something unusual, such as a foot fetish, but the person who is turned on by large breasts, big bottoms or lingerie is as much of a fetishist as the person who gets turned on by soft toys (aka a ”plushie”).

I have a feeling that talking about your ”kinky”, ”unusual fetishes” before you have even had sex with someone could seem either presumptuous or creepily obsessive. It is important to be present in what is happening between yourself and your girlfriend in the here and now, enjoying the chemistry and emotion of your initial connection for its own sake, rather than being focused on what might happen in the future. Otherwise you could seem like the guy who, when presented with a carefully and lovingly prepared dinner, asks what is for dessert.

Once you have established a mutually pleasurable intimate relationship with each other, then you might be able to raise the subject of your fantasies. Of course, a lot depends on what you fetishise. If you fancy playing with restraint games and spanking, it would be fairly easy to steer the discussion in that direction. If you want her to put an object in your bottom it might be that there is never going to be an easy way to suggest it.

Purists in the bondage, domination and sadomasochism scene are liable to scoff at E.L. JamesFifty Shades of Grey, but giving her a copy could be a socially acceptable way to introduce the idea of this form of sex play. You will learn a lot about her sexual tastes by her reaction to the story, unless her literary tastes take precedence.

With other ”kinks”, you will need to find your own way to approach the subject that is not too confronting but that will give you some insight into her interests.

One thing you need to consider before you do go a lot further is whether or not you will be able to accept, and continue to enjoy, this relationship if she is not interested in your fetishism. Nobody wants to feel that they are being used as a conveniently willing crash-test dummy, an object on which to practise acts, rather than as an equal and respected partner.

You might consider taking a look at The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino. This book could also serve as a useful launching point into the discussion that you would like to have with your girlfriend.

When you say, ”on the surface I’m a great bloke … However, I have a hidden dark side, being a bit kinky with some unusual fetishes”, there is a suggestion that you feel some shame or unease about your desires. Being a fetishist is perfectly normal. If, however, you are completely obsessed with your fetish and are not able to enjoy sex at all if you cannot include your fetish or if what you are fetishising is dangerous or illegal, you might want to talk to a professional sex therapist in order to gain some insight into what is behind this irresistible drive.

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Categories: Sex

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. #FetishFriday Week 1 Topic - ExhibitionismNever Beg For Mercy . . . - September 19, 2013

    […] I’m a bit kinky with some unusual fetishes […]

  2. Explanations Not Forthcoming | J.T. Peters - October 3, 2013

    […] I’m a bit kinky with some unusual fetishes (missyjubilee.wordpress.com) […]

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